THE EVOLUTION OF A CANADIAN ICON
A documentary in 7 parts
In the frozen north of Canada…
A tall boy emerged from the mist.
He had a BMX bike.
He had feelings.
He had absolutely no idea he would one day care about watch movements.
But evolution was coming.
THE SKATEPARK YEARS
Before the watches… before the cologne… there was the skatepark.
Jumped off stairs for no reason.
Could bunny hop but could not communicate emotions.
Thought “fragrance notes” were music-related.
At this stage, the subject displayed classic Early Punk Canadian traits: flannel acquisition, mild angst, unexplained confidence.
The evolution had begun… though no one knew it yet.
THE GREAT HEIGHT AWAKENING
Somewhere between ollies and adulthood… he became tall.
Not regular tall.
Problematically tall.
The kind of tall that makes airplane seats a personal enemy.
Legroom remains an ongoing international dispute.
The world was simply not built for this much leg.
Relative Height Analysis
Airplane designers did not account for this.
THE SCENT RENAISSANCE
It began with one bottle.
Notes of cedar.
Hints of rebellion.
Top layer: his latest foster fail.
Base notes: web stuff.
Correlation Between Emotional Maturity and Price of Cologne
Price of Cologne
📈 It only goes up.
Correlation Between % of Shopify Stocks as Income and Price of Cologne
Price of Cologne
📉 It only goes down.
“Before cologne, I just existed.”
— Him, probably
THE TIMELESS ERA
He once measured time in skate sessions.
Now he measures it in Swiss precision.
He began collecting watches.
Beautiful watches.
Expensive watches.
Precision engineered watches.
Watches he does not set.
“Time is for phones; wrist is for presence.”
— Him, also probably
THE SPEED PHASE
With time came refinement.
The watches.
The cologne.
And naturally…
fast cars.
The subject developed an appreciation for German engineering.
Power.
Precision.
Performance.
Several inches of snow.
Evolution is not always linear.
THE RACCOON THEORY
For many years, researchers believed the subject's evolution was fully understood.
- Skateparks.
- Fragrance.
- Expensive toys.
But eventually, a new pattern began to emerge.
Small traits that were… difficult to explain.
- A strong attraction to shiny objects.
- Nocturnal texting patterns.
- Occasional confusion involving
the operation of car windows. - Canadian urban adaptability.
- Emotionally soft but physically tall.
- Unusual affection for raccoons.
At first, these were dismissed as coincidences.
Until one possibility presented itself.
That the subject may not be a single human.
But rather…
three raccoons in a trench coat.
The theory remains controversial.
But researchers agree on one point:
this raccoon is doing his best.
PUBLIC OPINION: RACCOON HYPOTHESIS
Do you believe the subject is…?
THE EVOLUTION CONTINUES
Behind the cologne.
Beneath the height.
Past the raccoon allegations…
is someone kind, loyal, and a little bit ridiculous in the best way.
From punk to perfume.
From BMX to best dog dad.
From chaos to cleaning his house.
From flannel to Fat Tuesdays.
Still silly.
Still tall.
Still Canadian.
Still too good for airplane legroom.
But exactly the kind of person people are really lucky to know
10/10. Would evolve again.
Evolution: verified.